Question for Readers
Posted on 27 June 2008 | Category: Got Questions
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I’m having issues with an insecure woman. I don’t really understand why there are so many people who are insecure with themselves. I’ve noticed that women who are constantly asking for reassurance are a total turn off. Here’s the scenario. I’ve met a woman that I’m attracted to. At 1st she seemed to be very confident and secure. The more I talk to her, the more she regresses. Every time I make plans with her, she will always call me back with in a couple days to ask if I really want to go out. I’ve never broken any plans with her. We talk on the phone regularly. We also text and email regularly. I don’t understand why she does this. Is she doing this because she thinks i’m too good looking for her? or because she’s too good looking for me? She’s very attractive but this seems to bother me more and more. It’s almost at the point where I’m ready to break contact with her. Do your readers have any advice for me? Thanks Nick
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June 27th, 2008 at 4:58 pm
I find myself doing this at times, especially if I really, really like the guy. It is total insecurity. My insecurity stems from an verbally abusive ex. I don’t fish for compliments, but I do often find myself questioning whether or not I’m good enough “physically” for certain men. I know that I’m attractive, but certainly no “Top Model”. Yet, I can’t seem to help myself being insecure with certain men.
One thing that I’m insecure about is my simplicity. I enjoy nice things, but I’m not a materialistic person. I’m simple, and it doesn’t take much to please me. I don’t have the best of the best of everything and sometimes that makes me insecure with men…especially when they want to come to my house. I have a nice place, but I don’t have a huge big screen TV or expensive paintings decorating my walls, etc. Heck, I don’t even have cable, only because I don’t watch TV except for news, and really see no point in dishing out the money for something that serves no purpose in my home.
Maybe this woman is insecure because of a bad experience with a previous relationship. If that’s the case, then you will just have to be patient as she learns that the things she has been told in the past just aren’t true. It could be that she is afraid of commitment and is trying to talk herself out of taking your relationship a step further.
I wouldn’t break contact with her just yet. The best thing to do is bring this to her attention. She may not even realize how often she is doing these things, or how obvious it is to you. Just be careful and gentle when you have the conversation, and do it in person. You will be able to tell alot by her expression.
June 27th, 2008 at 7:47 pm
I was dating a guy for a few months like this. He seemed really outgoing at first, then all of sudden I felt like I was dating a hermit. Didn’t really want to go places, do things other than inside activities (lol…other than that activity). He became flaky and undependable. I attributed it to just being rude and flaky, you know and it is. It does get old and it’s not a lot of fun to hang out or even make plans with people who you have to second guess whether or not they’re going to be up for what you had planned. I don’t blame you for wanting to say, um, no thanks. Have you expressed yourself to her about it?
June 28th, 2008 at 2:22 am
Why does the degree of your “good looks” have anything to do with it? People who need constant reassurance drive me CRAZY! Male or female. I am not sure if I understand your scenerio entirely. You actually ask her out several days in advance then she calls and asks if you REALLY want to go out? Ugh no..you were kidding? Just playing practice dating? *insert sarcasm here*
I would hope she was calling you to tell you she can’t wait to see you…Are we there yet??? Full of excitement and anticipation. She sounds whiney to me! Thats about as irritating as the “I don’t know…what do you want to do, whine!”
Although I realize most of us have insecurities, I notice if my partner hands out subtle compliments. Whether it be my hair or an outfit or just a nice compliment saying that I smell great or look beautiful it doesnt go unnoticed. I think we all like to get our egos stroked just and like a little reassurance.
June 28th, 2008 at 3:34 pm
jo jo - I mentioned looks because sometimes my friends say someone is dating out of their league. I think we’re evenly matched in the looks department. and she doesn’t call to say that she’s excited, she calls to ask if i still want to go out. I thought she might have other plans, but she says no. I just don’t understand why she does this.
I think i’m going to talk to her about this habit. I am just afraid that she will continue to do this in the future.
June 28th, 2008 at 7:50 pm
hmmm. I am guilty of doing this once or twice.
Yes, it is totally just insecurity. My guess, from my personal experience, is that when a date is made that far in advance without any further talk about it during the week or in your emails/texts etc.
That could be the cause of her worry.
She probably just worries that you ‘forgot’ or ‘might change your mind’…I know it sounds ridiculous, but, maybe just do a check in call a day or two before the date to confirm. Tell her when you arrange the date on let’s say - Sunday, that you will confirm on Wednesday or Thursday prior. Just say ‘to firm things up’ like where you are going etc etc…
By no means pander to the insecurity, that makes it worse, but a little reassurance, in a manly way, could only help the situation.
Once she gets used to you and can relax knowing that you aren’t going to ‘change your mind’ my bet is it will be fine.
Don’t worry about it too much, she’s just a little gun shy and aren’t we all in some way???
break a leg!
June 28th, 2008 at 11:25 pm
I guess I wonder why this rudeness of people not following through with plans is attributed to being insecure? I would look at it this way. I feel like either way, whether it’s insecurity or just her being a flaky person who not dependable, it’s a trait. It’s not a habit, it’s a trait of either being insecure, in which case you can’t “fix” that for someone. Or, it’s a trait of being undependable, in which case you can’t fix that either other than to say to her that you don’t put up with flakes your time is too valuable. But, first…you HAVE to communicate honestly with her about it. Communication is always the key to find the truth and then go from there. You won’t know why she does it unless you ask. Just say, “hey, it seems like when we make plans you either don’t follow through or question that we had them in the first place…why is that?” She’ll have to answer a direct question.
June 29th, 2008 at 3:33 pm
Do these pants make my butt look big?
Its the nature of the beast.
Reggies last blog post..Tiny Distractions
June 29th, 2008 at 7:51 pm
@ Reggie - Lol….now that’s kind of loaded question. Men should always dodge those when possible. But if you love her….the only answer to that is “baby, I love your bootie…it’s perfect to me!”
June 29th, 2008 at 8:27 pm
Ha! and never EVER pause before the compliment…that’s the kiss of death. have something ready asap. lol…
June 29th, 2008 at 10:32 pm
Maybe she is just calling to “confirm” the plans you’ve made. Of course, she may not be doing it in the right manner. Does she actually say, “Do you still want to go out with me?” or does she just simple solidify what you are doing, where you’re meeting, etc?
I know that if I’ve made plans far in advance with someone, I often call a day or two before we are to get together just be sure nothing’s come up and we are still on. I mean sometimes life will break plans for you!
saneandsingles last blog post..FWB…how it came to be…Chapter I
June 30th, 2008 at 2:18 pm
I didn’t think i’d get this much response. I talked to her on the phone & found out the following. She keeps a busy schedule and doesn’t want to clear her schedule for me if I really don’t want to go out. From what i can tell her last relationship wasn’t a dependable one AND she wants to verify that her free time has fun things with either me or her friends/family. it makes more sense to me now