Question From Reader
Eathan, How do you feel about allowing a woman to pay for you at the bar or out for drinks? I ask because I have a close friend who *refuses* to allow me to pay for him. He “Doesn’t want to be the black man at the bar that people see letting the white woman pay for his drinks” And it’s not that he won’t let me pay it’s that he wont allow other people to see me pay. Is this what other women run into? Thanks, QB
QB, I have mixed thoughts about this issue. I can understand what your friend feels. Every now and then you find a guy who values his reputation and is concerned about what other people think. I will admit there are people that think black men use white women for financial reasons. I’ve heard those conversations before. If he doesn’t want you to pay it shows he is a proud man. There’s nothing wrong with having pride. The best way to deal with that is to allow him to pay and then give him the money when you leave. That way you haven’t embarrassed him and he can maintain his pride. I know this can seem a bit stupid, but it will work. I had a experience with a woman a few years ago that did something very interesting. She handed me the money or credit card before the bill came. I didn’t know what she was doing. This was her way of saying she wanted to pay. That way I could hand it to the wait staff. I was totally surprised, since I didn’t realize her last date had the same problem as your date. There’s nothing wrong with a guy having pride. QB, you should be happy that you’ve met someone who doesn’t want you to pay. I know of a lot of white women who complain about black men who don’t pay. Matter of fact, this is a big issue in some dating circles. Personally, I don’t care who pays. I pay for my share of drinks and dinners. I’ve had plenty of women buy me dinner also. If you want to pay, just understand how to do it and still allow him to maintain his pride.
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thanks for the insight Eathan. I think htat frustrates me about it though is that I would like for our color to not matter so much. He doesnt want me to pay because i am a WHITE woman not because i am a woman.
But i do understand it’s his pride so I will have to respect it. It’s just interesting.
[Reply]
Hey QB- Why do you feel like you HAVE to pay? If it is just to do something nice for him perhaps you can think of something else other than buying dinner.
I remember telling a man that I would like to take him out “My treat” for doing something nice for me. It took some convincing on the phone but it was agreed upon BEFORE we got there so there was no surprises. Same goes for a “birthday dinner”. If it is agreed upon ahead of time there is no confusion and he already has the HEADS UP.
I don’t make a move for my purse ANYMORE! I let the guy pay.
Missys last blog post..I wish I wouldn’t have said that!
[Reply]
I’m sorry Eathan, but I completely disagree that not allowing a “white” woman to show generosity toward him has anything at all to do with pride. Pride is a trait you attain from the kind of person that you are and the way you conduct yourself. I think pride comes from integrity, honesty and having the security to allow someone to buy them dinner and drinks. The mere fact that he would let a woman but not a “white” woman show generosity toward him, speaks more about deep insecurity.
If I were dating someone and they “believed” that a man should buy a woman dinner at all times….I could roll with that. But if I were dating someone who would refuse me to pay but take the money on the sly…….ugh…..lol….that doesn’t have anything to do with pride. If it were pride……he wouldn’t take the money at all.
[Reply]
eathan Reply:
July 26th, 2008 at 2:59 pm
That would be the difference of experiences from a ‘Black man’ and a white woman. Trust me when I say, it’s real. You don’t have to agree with me.. and that’s ok.
[Reply]
okay here is the thing - we aren’t dating. and never have dated. he does it even when it’s a pre-planned event. Last year we went on vacation together for a weekend to visit his daughter. This was supposed to be my present to him for fathers day, christmas, birthday whatever for the whole year. He wouldn’t let me buy him drinks at the bar. Even though going into the weekend it was well known that the entire weekend was being paid for by me.
And the whole idea of my giving him the cash to pay for drinks is silly.
I guess i wish he
[Reply]
eathan Reply:
July 26th, 2008 at 3:14 pm
Well if you can’t pay…and you think giving him cash to pay is silly…then accept the situation the way it is. It’s a simple solution. Don’t over think it
[Reply]
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