Til Death Do Us Part?

by Eathan

As much as I date, there are things that don’t make any sense to me at all.? I was told, “don’t apply logic to something which is emotional.”? I guess that must be the answer.? Over the last 5 years, I’ve met countless divorced women who want a relationship.? Some where during the relationship, they want to get married.? I tried it once.? OK twice and it still doesn’t make sense to me. I’m not opposed to marriage, but I’m opposed to fix what isn’t broken.

I’ll take you back a few years to when I was dating Crazy Vic.? She wasn’t crazy while we were together.? She became crazy during the break up.? We dated for 18 months and lived together for 12 months.? The fact is our relationship wasn’t perfect, but it was productive.? We spent a lot of time together.? We had common interests and our kids were close in age.? We shared financial obligations.? It seemed to be a great relationship.? The problem came when she expected to have more.? She liked the possibility of marriage.

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Then there was JC42.? She and I dated for several months.? We maintained a good relationship for most of that time.? Everything was great until she realized that I wasn’t planning on getting married any time soon.? It literally made her mad.? She couldn’t figure out why I was OK with a relationship without being married.

And the list goes on and on.? The common idea is, they want the possibility of marriage.

From my stand point, marriage doesn’t make sense.? I have valid reasons why I feel this way.? Since I’m divorced, I’ve experienced marriage before.? There doesn’t seem to be a magical change when you hear the words, “I pronounce you man and wife.”? It’s not changing the level or depth of our love.? Seriously, if I loved you this morning, it’s not going to change that love with a wedding ceremony.

We all know that til death do us part isn’t real. (no explanation needed, DIVORCE)

I’m sure some of you women think I’m crazy for thinking this way, but I have to make this point.? We’re already in a committed relationship.? We already take care of each other’s needs.? It’s possible that we even share financial interests.? I could buy you a large diamond ring.? We could take a week long vacation to a tropical destination.

Is it because you’re such a church girl?? Does it really mean ’til death do us part?’? Why is there a need for marriage?? Is it because society frowns on the unmarried?? Do you want to be covered on my health insurance?

I’ve watched the reality show Family Jewels.? You might be familiar with Gene Simmons and Shannon Tweed.? They have been happily UNmarried for over 20 years.? They have 2 kids.? They are committed to each other and live a great life.? They live together, they travel together and they spend money together. ? Once again, they are happily UNmarried.

I discussed this topic with a couple friends and we all come up with some common thoughts about marriage.

  • You want someone to take care of you.
  • It doesn’t matter if you’re married or not, you can’t keep someone in a relationship.
  • You want ownership of your man/woman.
  • You’re tired of referring to them as your boy friend/girl friend.
  • Sex (if you have it) does change after you say I do.

I know that some people don’t want to get married because of their financial assets (she/he took 1/2 aka don’t have a prenup).

I can’t say what works for me will work for you.? I can’t say that I will never get married.? But I can say that It won’t change my love.? I’ve heard white women say that black men don’t want to get married, but I’m not sure if it’s a black or white issue.? It could be a man thing.

So I have to ask, am I trying to apply logic to something which is emotional?

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Tagged as: dating, marriage, relationships

Article by Eathan

Life long interracial dater and father of two.  Currently resides in Dallas and socially active in the DFW area.  You can connect with Eathan on Twitter and Facebook.

Eathan has written 539 awesome articles.

  • Hannah
    Hi, I too find something fundamentally wrong with the societal need to be married. Why should a vow that is so often broken mean more to a couple than the commitments they make every day for each other? It's talking the talk without walking the walk. I come from a broken home, but I'm glad - I think it makes me more realistic about my relationships, and happy with what I have, rather than expecting a commitment that I honestly don't want!

    So there are women out here who agree with you!

    Hannah x
  • Chris
    Ethan, not quite what I had in mind. More along the lines of there are a lot more divorces ruining "the sanctity of marriage" than there are gay/lesbian couples who could/should have long term good marriages. And in my opinion, that does less to damage marriage than the dissolution of marriage.
  • Chris
    I hold that same view of marriage/commitment. I haven't personally been married, but of the 8 male cousins of my generation, I'm the only one who hasn't. And there are 8 divorces between us. So clearly my view of marriage isn't the "til death do us part". And I have friends who are getting divorced and raked over the coals by their exs. I'd rather have a woman as a partner than a wife, because there are fewer hazards for both of us as partners rather than as spouses.

    And since you asked, even as a fairly conservative guy, I am for gay/lesbian marriage. My reason is the ultra right "sanctity of marriage" argument - which I find to be specious. If the far right actually cared about the sanctity of marriage, they'd put more effort into outlawing divorce than attacking gay/lesbian marriage. It is heterosexual marriage and no-fault divorce that has destroyed the "institution of marriage" as they want it to be. Not loving same-sex couples who want to be treated as equals in society.

    Ok, done with my two cents....
  • I think it's great when you find someone who can be your partner. To me that's more important than the title. So I agree with you.

    You comments on gay/lesbian marriage is thought provoking.
  • Chris
    Ethan, I get that a lot, but seriously, think about it. What something like 10-15% of the population is gay/lesbian. 50% of marriages end in divorce. Which is the bigger threat to "the sanctity of marriage"? I don't see how two men or women together for 20 years is a bigger problem than a male/female marriage that ends in divorce before the 5th anniversary.

    If it were up to me, you'd have to live with a person for 5 years before you were even allowed to marry them.
  • Those are some interesting stats. They deserve to be as miserable as the other divorcees right? lol ;)
  • Nephie
    I dunno I'm a strange type of woman I guess...I have never wanted to get married...I've briefly thought about it and quickly said "Hell to tha Nawww!" (In my best Whitney Houston voice)...I don't know if it's just that I haven't found "Tha One" or if it's that I don't want to go through the legal mess before or after the marriage...It's quite ironic but me not wanting to get married has nothing to do with my ability to commit...If I enter into a long term relationship, I'm the one who is fully committed to that relationship...I'm with Eathan on this one...Marriage isn't necessary for a successful relationship...and who says you HAVE to commit to ONE person for the rest of our lives?
  • I think that is the attitude of the new generation. I'm sure if the insurance industry changed their regulations.. you'd see the desire for marriage drop also.
  • Well, I remember when I was a young pup and I wanted to be married. The whole 9 yards - marry my college sweetheart, have my 2.5 kids, have that nice house with the two car garage. Of course, as I got older and actually did it the first time, I realized that there were more responsibilities that I was not prepared for. I just think that the younger people of today are ill-eqiupped for marriage (and even some of the older people too). It is hard to find someone that you can get along with after you say "I do". Like someone earlier said, the insitution of marriage is not the same (as our parent's time) but then again, who wants to be in an institution. But I will admit that I am still a sucker and a romantic and believe that there is someone out there for everyone that wants to make that commitment - you just have to find them and not get cynical after wading through all the BS to find them.

    <abbr>Daryls last blog post..OMG! Who's Dealing? Here Comes the Race Card!</abbr>
  • Eric
    Yeah you're right about that eathan. Its challenging trying to block out all of the negativity that floats around in the world, but I do still believe that a situation is what you make it out to be, so there is still hope.
  • Eric
    Wow eathan I've been thinking about this from time to time. I'm only 21 and I often think what do I have to look forward to if I cross that bridge?
  • hmmm.. that's a interesting thought. It depends on what you imagine yourself doing.
  • Steph
    Hi, I'm new to this site but have read some of your blogs and enjoy them. This post was very interesting to me as I'm at a period in my life where I should be very anxious for marriage, starting a family etc. I am just about to graduate from a masters program and begin a career. The thing is, I've been in love, but it was 5 years ago now. I've had a couple serious relationships but when I was much younger. Since going through heartbreaks at a young age, not to mention seeing societies new aspects of marriage...I can't say I do want to get married.

    I go back and forth on this a lot because I completely agree with your logical arguments, I'm not one that is particularly anxious to have kids (at least not for a long time), I'm not religious and I'm extremely independent. The thing is, I'm naturally optimistic so I hate to be one of those "no one is ever happily married," bitter women. I definitely believe in true love, but does true love need an institution such as marriage? In my experience a lot of men cheat, married, single, straight, gay, hell a lot of women cheat too. Marriage is no longer an insurance policy of faithfulness.

    I guess I could go on and on about this topic, but I won't truly know until I fall in love again someday if I am going to have that need to get married.

    Anyway, I enjoy reading your blog. Have a great night!
  • You're right... marriage isn't a insurance policy for faithfulness. The only thing it's a insurance policy... if your a lawyer. ;)

    I'm glad you're reading and joining into the discussions.
  • Steph
    Haha, very true.

    Let me ask you this, based on your experiences it seems you'd be fine never marrying again. Do you think many men, such as yourself only go through with marriage to keep their significant other happy/satisfied?
  • haha.. funny.
  • Steph
    I'd rather spend the 25k on an extravagant vacation :o)

    I've never been the type of girl that has fantasized about my wedding day since I was 3.

    Hmm, you're really motivating me to never get married. Commitment is possible without the legality of the marriage ceremony. Hopefully the next time I get into a serious relationship I don't get that marriage itch, if so, I'll try to find this blog!!
  • I'm positive that men go through it to keep ya'll happy. That's why they created the PRENUP! haha..

    Honestly.. It's not our idea to spend $25k+ for a ceremony and a party called a wedding. That's why it's called the bride's day..not the groom's. ;)
  • Cilla
    I agree with you and the PPs. However, in our society, marriage is still viewed as the ultimate demonstration of commitment. It says to the world, "I have found the person I want to be with. I have taken myself off the market." No, it's not permanent if you don't want it to be, but it takes a lot more to undo a marriage, in most instances, than to move out from someone you are living with, even if you share finances. I do believe you have to think harder about divorcing a spouse than you do about dissolving a common household, especially if there are kids involved.

    In practicality, marriage is probably no more an insurance policy against cheating or leaving than any other type of commitment. But many women still see it as a gesture that goes beyond cohabitating. And of course, if they've never been married before, they may want the stereotypical wedding planning process, big ceremony, fancy dress, gifts, etc., or even the experience of saying "my husband" this or "my husband" that. As women age, they think about other issues, like retirement, long-term illnesses, and even death, which differ in marriage vs. living together.

    Society still views marriage as a "sacred" institution. Just look at all the debate about same sex marriage, and it will show you how many Americans view the institution. It's probably a holdover from the uneasy relationship between church and state, and it's changing, but not perhaps as fast as you'd like it to.

    As an aside, as someone who does a lot of online dating, I appreciate dating sites that display the type of relationship one is looking for at the top of the profile. If you see a man who is only looking for casual dating or even a long-term relationship but hasn't checked off "marriage," you know what you are getting into.
  • I have to ask.. not that it has been addressed in this discussion.. are you for or against gay/lesbian marriages? Outside of the religious fanatics, they seem to be the only ones forcing the issue. I'm just curious.
  • Cilla
    I'm definitely for gay/lesbian marriages. If two people can find love with each other and want to make it legal, I don't care about their orientation, any more than I care about their race. Frankly, I know more happily married gay and lesbian couples than straight couples. In relationships where these couples already have children, it is my opinion having a legal bond may be beneficial.

    While the religious fanatics are the only ones forcing the issue, state and local referenda across the country have revealed that many people do not support same sex marriage. While they don't go out of their way to protest it or to proactively legislate against it, when asked, they don't approve of it. I was surprised during the last referendum in my state that so many friends and colleagues, whom I thought would be more progressive in this realm, voted against allowing legal same sex marriage. I think this is very informative about how the American public perceives the "sanctity" of marriage and may relate to your topic today.
  • well said!
  • Robin
    I personally do not think it is a black or white issue. Marriage is not the same as it used to be. My parents have been married for over 33 years and they have had their ups and downs. There are a lot of things in their marriage that has happened that now days people would just divorce over. I used to want to get married sooo bad. I wanted that fairytale wedding and relationship. I always wanted that one person that I knew would be there through good and bad, the ultimate commitment. Someone to stand by my side no matter what; I wanted the "till death do us part", but that does not happen much anymore. Divorce is so easily accepted, it is the way out for a lot of people. Not to mention people get married for the wrong reasons, so of course it is not going to work. For example, my little sister married her EX husband (white) because they had a child together. Well three kids and 5 years later they were separated and now divorced. My oldest sister married her husband (black) because my father told them they could not live in his house being sexually active without being married. So they ran out and got married. Well needless to say that did not last either. And just for the record both of the men--white and black--were unfaithful and total asses!!

    As I said before I USED to want to get married. Now I am at the point that a committed relationship would just be great!! It is so hard just to find that these days. One day waaayyy down the road I would still like to be married, but it is not something that is a must right now. I do agree with you in the fact that my love for someone is not going to change just because we have a piece of paper saying we are married. If I am committed it is going to be the same level of committment no matter what.
  • I'm not sure if there is a new generation that views marriage as something different. Maybe it's because there is a 50% divorce rate. Maybe it's the growing number of gay & lesbian relationships. I'm not sure. I see more people happy with a relationship over a marriage.
  • You know I have explored this exact same topic multiple times and I come up with the exact same thing that you have... As much as you would like to do so, you just can't apply logic to human emotions... There are so many things that humans do out of love or hate or whatever that just has no basis in logic or 'common sense'... Freud would say this is all related to the Id, but I've just realized that it doesn't make any sense and I try to make the best of it lol...
  • haha.. at least I know i'm not the only guy that thinks this way.
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