Speak Up Single Dads

Eathan, this post really hit home with me. I think I feel as passionate about this topic as you do. What you said here really means a lot.

"When I reflect back on those dates, I couldn?t get home quick enough. I defend fatherhood til the day I die. I know plenty of single dads who sacrifice and struggle for the sake of their kids. Some of us deal with the wrath of the ex for the sake of the kids. Some of us will eat tuna sandwiches for weeks to spend our summer break with our kids. Some of us will work 2 jobs, sleep on the floor to cloth and feed our kids. I don?t read about those dads on the blogs. I don?t hear about those dads when I?m on a date."

Sadly, most people never know we struggle like that. What we do and give up for our kids sake. And it's true, you only hear about the bad dads. Which is fine, I believe that bad fathers should be talked about. But there is a whole bunch of us good dads out there too.

It's funny, the other day, my ex was emailing me and had mentioned how she actually had defended me as a good father to some "old friends". yes, she got most of the friends in the divorce. I was really pushed back by the fact that people I used to call friend had labeled me as a bad father, simply because I was the one who decided to end the relationship. It's amazing how married people will cast the first stone, even when they don't have 1/2 the information about a situation. These same people that I know have terrible marriages themselves, but just because they chose to remain in them, makes them a better person, a better parent? As if their kids don't notice a problem.

I do everything possible to keep my kids lives intact, including paying their mortgage and bills, barely getting by myself each month. Yet, I'm the bad father?

Thanks for this post.

My ex-husband is a great dad, and a great ex-husband. We each have the children 1/2 the week, we abide by the divorce decree, and he just does everything a kid would want from their dad. We talk to each other about important issues or decisions regarding the children, new responsibilities, and freedoms for them, etc. I am happy! xo

I'm so glad to hear you say that Lindsay. I wish I met more women like you.. not just because you're cute...but your attitude is a great one. Keep up the good work. ;)

I'm a single mother and can not grasp the concept of telling your child that his father is a "dead beat dad. I don't care if he isn't a good father, you never tell a child this. A child needs to think and believe that his father is the best man in the world, regardless. I am fortunate enough to have a good relationship with my son's father. I never talk bad about my child's father and I always tell my son that daddy loves him!

Hey E! I thought you looked sad in that pic...cause I know where Alpha Boy got his smile from!!! LOL...Holla at you later...

I wasn't sad. I was a bit tired. I'm still wondering where he got his smile from too. :D

Oh, and I didn't comment about that cute photo! I've stared at it for a long time. That Alpha Boy's sweet smile!!!

Excuse me, Eathan, but what were you staring at? You're drifting?

<abbr>Single Mom Seekings last blog post..I met someone</abbr>

Thanks for the compliment. He was 5 in that picture. I was looking across the room. They took the picture when I wasn't ready. Alpha Boy is always ready for a photo op. ;)

Hi Eathan,

Nice picture of you and Alpha Boy!! :) I definitely wanted
to comment about this issue. My daughter, who is now 13, is the
product of an interracial relationship between her father and I. He
and I never married, but ever since my daughter's birth, I have always invited my ex-boyfriend over to see her. They have had their "Tuesday dinner night" since she was two. I just felt it was so important for us to be united as parents, even though we don't get along. My parents divorced when I was 12 and I didn't want my daughter to endure the hatred that my parents felt for each other. It changes who they are. I know for a fact that that is why I'm not married because of my parents' divorce. It's just not worth talk crap about the ex in front of your kids. They will never, ever have a great relationship with another person. I've had a blog in the past and I just wouldn't even consider writing about my ex-boyfriend. It's just not worth it. Great post!!

I'm glad to hear he maintains a relationship and that you do your part to encourage that too. I'll add him to the list of good dads. ;)

First, you know I love to get you riled up! Seriously, I was really hoping that some dads might chime in here.

Thanks so much for link love. I really think that if more dads like you spoke up, it would generate a real, intelligent dialogue. I also appreciated this post. Thanks.

<abbr>Single Mom Seekings last blog post..I met someone</abbr>

I'm glad you poked your head over here. I always take note of other single dads. Sometimes I want to take a picture and put them in a photo album for all the people who think we're all dead beats.

I hate to say something cheesy... I always want to tell some of them.. If you have lemons..sell lemonade. You'll be rich. :D

I feel for the men who are not able to spend time with their kids because of the woman being bitter. Women and men both need to realize, it's not about them, but the kids--the general welfare of the child. I hate to hear a man call his ex a B or any other name because she wasn't that when the man was sleeping with her (or maybe she was but the man chose to ignore it). It takes two mature people to put the child first.

<abbr>Shelias last blog post..Next Two Weeks</abbr>

You're right, there is a lot of name calling after the fact. And it's senseless. Being a parent isn't easy... twice as hard if you don't get along with the ex.

Eathan, now this is a great post!!! I have been definding myself as a single parent for 5 years now & I'm glad that we're on the same side!!!

Good to hear from ya Ed.. I got ya on the good dad list.

I'm with you, Eathan. I have half-time custody of my kids, and from the moment my ex and I divorced, we made a conscious effort to put the kids first, and make sure the kids knew they didn't have to choose sides. They have a mom and a dad who love them and are involved in their lives. Period.

Sure, the ex and I had angry and bitter feelings right after the divorce. But the fact is, divorce severed the intimate tie between us. We had no right to continually make the other suffer. (As if marriage gives you that right. Ha!) We coparent in a cordial, business-like fashion.

Sure, we get mad at each other once or twice a year, usually over some custody wrinkle one of us wants. But we don't argue in front of the kids. We don't bad-mouth the other parent. We try to keep disagreements to email discussions, and the anger is usually done boiling in the course of a week.

We're divorced, after all. We got divorced so we don't have to deal with each other's crap.

I agree with you - there are good coparenting situations out there. There are good single dads. There are good single moms. There are single parents who don't bad-mouth their ex.

If you're truly pissed at your ex, is it okay to blog about it? That's an individual choice. Blogs are a way to vent and get support from friends. But they are also a permanent record. You're mad now, but will you still be mad next week? Do you need that anger stored away for all to see and read? I choose not to go that route, but I don't begrudge those who choose to vent. We all make choices for different reasons, based on all we've each been through.

Great post!

<abbr>dadshouses last blog post..Spring Fever ? Contest With Prizes!</abbr>

Well said.. we got divorced because we didn't get along. But co-parenting is the key. It's not a one sided situation.

Thanks for the single dad comment.

I would love it if my son's father would do that but his thinking is if he can't have them all the time he doesn't want them! My oldest son tells me he is passed it all and he has to move on and do what is best for him. My 13 yr old he is the one who yearns for a dad to throw the ball with to hang out with and do things with. He spends weekends with me taking him every where and me and him go eat together and see movies together just the 2 of us so because of all of this me and him do have a special relationship I must say :)

He does definetly have a beautiful smile!

As you know I am a single parent of 3 bi-racial children my daughter is 25 and has graduated from college and out on her own doing good her father was always in her life and a big part of it. My son's live with me and I have been divorced from their father for 9 yrs.

When we first got divorced nothing else mattered in this world but for his son's to be taken care of. He worked over the road and I never had to worry my $800.00 a month came in every month on time for 2 yrs. He would pick them up maybe 1 time a month.

Then he met his "next" ex-wife lol who also had 3 kids and no job! Oh wait she worked at the Waffle House and was on welfare! She lived in a section 8 apt. and he had the 3k sq ft home he and I built. He litterally chose to stop sending child support so he could take care of this woman and her 3 kids!

One time he thru his oldest son out of his house for telling me what company name is on the side of his truck! I called myself being slick and asking my son hey does it say yada, yada on the truck outside? Just casual converstion no pressure or anything. All he did was say yes and the next thing I know my son who was 14 at the time he called me at work and was balling his head off that his dad's wife listens to all of our phone calls and reports them to their dad!!!!!!!!! So he told her to pack my son's stuff up and send him home! He had betrayed his father and was never allowed in his house again! Ironic!

They were staying with them for summer break. I was struggling bad at the time had been sexually harrassed at the Dealership I worked at so I quit and took a job that would allow me to be home on the weekends and at night with my boys barely making 30k a yr but I knew it would pay off in time, and it did thank GOD! I would call and beg for him to send childsupport as our lights were going to be cut off or the water and he would tell me "bitch what did you do with all the money you got for 2 yrs?" WTF! In his head I was supposed to be saving that money I guess and not putting a roof over our son's heads, fedding them, clothing them, and taking care of their medical expenses,in which I had to pay for as his company had no insurance, and anything else they needed as he did nothing but send the money which was court ordered to be sent thru his job! Well guess what happend when he quit that job?!

At the present time he is in default over 18K and only sends $350.00 a month to cover current child support and back child support. He purposely went to court and tried to ask for custody of the boys....lol that was hillarious because the Judge looked at him and told him son you have not been taking care of them for over 2 yrs now how can you expect me to grant you custody? You have no steady residence in the past 4 yrs and live at home with your parents. He agreed to drop the custody issue 5k later out of my pocket, but then wanted the back child support to be thrown out! haha They took him into the judges chambers and let him know that he has to pay that no matter what. They do not erase monies owed.

I always inform him of all track meets, football games or any event that my kids have and he never shows up. When the boys have a free weekend with nothing going on I ask them do they want to go to their dad's and they say no. For the year of 2009 they have yet to see their father and he lives 20 min away.

So just know that there really are some dad's who are dead beat dad's and that is what makes it hard for the good ones. Problem is there are way more dad's like my son's father than their are like you Eathan. I would give anything for them to have a real relationship with their father I think it would be so much healthier for them mentally. He refuses to come pick them up saying I moved to far away and am living beyond my means because we moved to Lewisville and he now lives back at home with his mother in West Dallas. I would never let my children grow up in West Dallas!

Let me tell you what he did to make it ok for him to stay at home and take care of his mom 24/7 who I admit needs 24/7 supervision. As hard as it is to say this but "Nursing Home" so instead of hiring an outside nursing company to take care of her he became employeed by the nursing company he told me he makes less than $350.00 a month! He is very capable of making 80K or more and has! He just refuses to pay childsupport. He sent me a text that read "Rather b a dead beat dad then give u a dime" his job had sent $12.00 so I admit I was a smart ass and sent him a text saying "wow with that $12.00 Terry can eat lunch this week but what about Trae?" lol

I truly do not understand how someone could do what he has done to his son's. They resent him, and how he can fix this is unimaginable I think it is beyond repair at this point.

Please keep up the good work and let your boys know they are blessed that you did not end up a bitter man and take it out on your children.

Sounds like your boys have had a struggle to have a relationship with their dad. Not all dads are that way.