There are ticketable offenders, like the doormats or their polar opposites, the men who are rude online before we’ve even met. This category includes the guy who called me a “dirtbag” for not returning his unsolicited email quickly enough (as if I were in any way obligated to respond to him, period). ?It also includes the man who emailed me (again, unsolicited), with a long list of corrections for my dating profile, specifically, not to describe myself as “curvy,” as that couldn’t possibly be right for someone who exercises frequently. ?Mind you, he had never met me in person or even seen a body shot of me. (For women in their forties, I consider “athletic and toned” to be the purview of? hard bodies, not those of us with D-cups and bootays, even if we are not overweight.) ?I haven’t deleted his email yet, because frankly, if I have a really bad day, I want the satisfying option of emailing him back with a pithy “STFU.”
Then we have the misdemeanors: the guys who stay too secretive too long about their identities, their phone numbers, or their addresses; and the men who are lazy.? They want you to do all the leg work to set up a date or vacation, even if it’s their idea, and they don’t travel in long-distance relationships-they want women to come to them (which is only allowable, but still not usually desirable, if they are willing to pony up for a plane ticket for me to visit them). ?Guys who have you put things on your credit card but “forget” to pay you back later fall in this category too.
Finally, we have the felony offenders. ?These are the passive aggressive guys, the hyper-criticizers, and the woefully inappropriate, like one of my recent Match contacts, who just happened to be my shrink. (Granted, I’m assuming he thought our professional relationship was over, but still…) ?I also put in this category the guys who only want sex but can’t figure out the rules of the game to get it. ?These are the players and the guys who want FWB relationships but who can’t get the F part of the equation right. (MY friends return text messages, emails, and phone calls.) ?Or they regale you with tales of what their “next girlfriend” will be like while they are trying to lure you into bed. ?Even in a mutually agreed upon casual sexual relationship, this is bad form.? I don’t need the verbal reminder that I’m not girlfriend material for these guys, as if I were some kind of simpleton. Ex-boyfriends often indulge in condescension of this nature-another good reason not to have sex with an ex!? Of course, the worst of the felons are the cheaters, but they ultimately wind up in solitary confinement, which is karma’s version of the self-cleaning oven.
In the midst of sounding like an Alanis Morissette song, enter my new BFF. ?No, not boyfriend-best friend forever. Oh, she doesn’t know it yet, but she’s quietly saving my life with her reality TV show and new dating book.? We are even the same age and have the same initials: PS. I’m speaking, in case you haven’t figured it out yet, of the fabulous Patti Stanger, star of The Millionaire Matchmaker on Bravo and author of Become Your Own Matchmaker: 8 Easy Steps for Attracting Your Perfect Mate.
Stanger’s book, which I read cover-to-cover twice this weekend, was a welcome respite from the male-oriented drivel of Alex Benzer, MD. In his advice book to women, The Tao of Dating, Benzer alienated me immediately by using animal models to justify male cheating, citing monogamy as a rare occurrence, even among humans. ?”These things [affairs] happen, so know them, expect them, plan for them, and place them in the larger context of your long-term fulfillment… Just know you don’t need to make something relatively uncommon [monogamy] an absolute requirement for your fulfillment.” ?Plan for them? ?Talk about lowered expectations!
And that’s what I like so much about Stanger’s philosophy. ?She encourages women to set the bar high for men, while offering realistic advice on how to find a good mate. ?Overall, she’s an optimist who follows the intention manifestation teachings of Esther and Jerry Hicks. ?She just tweaks that line of thinking a little to encompass her own take-no-prisoners credo when it comes to dating BS.
While Stanger’s suggestions for where to meet men or how to behave on a date aren’t novel, they’re worth reading for those who have been out of the dating scene for a while, and she presents the material in a humorous, anecdotal way. ?Where she excels is in two areas. ?I’ll touch on the second one first. ?Stanger hangs her hat on “qualifying the buyer,” her process of sifting through potential candidates to find a husband or boyfriend who will stand the test of time. ?She devotes a good chunk of her book to her pre-qualifying technique, including red flags that many women might not be aware of. ?She’s also big on list making and defining deal breakers, those qualities that under no circumstances will you accept in a man. (I learned my lesson with Bryce-no more dating men with young kids-see my previous posts When Good Goes Bad and When Good Goes Bad Part II. Even if the children are wonderful, young kids mean an ex-wife in the picture for many years to come.)
Stanger’s other strength is her “Dating Detox” program. ?This is her mandatory first step towards finding a perfect match. ?It means no dating for roughly 30-90 days, depending on your current level of heartbreak or (ahem) disillusionment. ?During this time period, you are to focus on yourself and your needs for a change. ?Start by getting to your happy place-eat some chocolate, pet a puppy, take a long walk, whatever it takes. ?For the next one to three months, you continue to work on yourself. ?Workout to your heart’s content, take bubble baths, eat healthy yummy food, read your favorite books, take a trip, pick up a lost hobby, purge clutter, go shopping, go to the spa-again, whatever it takes to feel happy and sexy, while staying off the relationship roller coaster.
The other part of Dating Detox is visualizing what you want in a partner, whether it’s a steady boyfriend or a ring on your finger. ?Stanger takes her readers through a series of exercises where we are called upon to draw from ex-boyfriends, buddies, and celebrities to concoct a list of attributes (physical, emotional, spiritual, financial, and intellectual) that we want in our ideal mate.? In a related17-second manifestation exercise where I had to picture my perfect man, my mind instantly went to Seal and Ozwald Boateng. ?Both black, bald, and in creative professions, with raspy voices and British accents. ?Hmmm… And both in interracial marriages. ?Tonight when I sit down with my glass of wine and make my list, bald, black and artsy will definitely be on there.
I don’t know where Dating Detox will take me, but I’m willing to give it a try. ?I don’t even know if I want a steady boyfriend at this point. ?My sister says when I’m dating someone seriously, all my creativity dries up, as if I pour everything into my mate instead my own work.? Maybe Dating Detox, with its focus on me, will keep that from happening again. ? All I know is, even if I never go on another date again, I need to stop feeling like the poster child for Bitter Woman IPA. ?Spring is coming, and I intend to enjoy it, single or not. ?Dating Detox, here I come!
Today’s post is written by Priscilla San Remo.
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