PriscillaToday’s post is written by Priscilla San Remo. ?Readers of my last post, Doing the Dating Detox, know that I have embarked on a sabbatical from dating, at least for the next month or so. The idea behind Dating Detox is to become more in tune with your own needs, as well as to assess what you liked and didn’t like about previous relationships, in order to improve on future ones.
The program is going well so far. I’ve had time to clean my study, purge old work files, make further plans on an imminent career change, and order books online. The warmer weather has made it easier to grill and therefore eat healthier foods.? I’ve had several exes hovering in my universe lately, but I’m only giving them as much effort as they put forth. A text message gets a text message back.? If I miss a phone call, I’ll call back, but if I get voicemail, I leave a brief message, and that’s it.? No more arranging my life around men who can’t find the time for me.
Last week a couple invited me to join them for drinks, and what I suspected was a fix-up with another single friend.? Rather than derailing my Dating Detox, the evening (which was, indeed, a set-up) only strengthened my resolve not to settle for any deal breakers, those qualities in a mate that I find impossible to live with under any circumstances.? Let’s start with Steve, the guy my friends wanted to fix me up with. For starters, he’s white.? That’s not a deal breaker, per se, but it’s not a good start, since I usually prefer black men.? Steve was not the kind of guy that would change my mind about this. In fact, I have a sneaking suspicion that Steve is gay, which is a pretty big deal breaker, hot or not.
To make matters worse, during the evening, my friends inquired if I had any pictures of my son.? I pulled out my iPhone and scrolled through my camera log to find his senior picture, and clicked on it to bring up the full-screen image.? I handed the phone around the table, and when Steve got it, he looked at my kid’s picture, then started thumbing through all the other photos stored on my phone!!!? At first, I was too flabbergasted to say anything, but then I realized I already knew I wasn’t interested in him-what did I care? But it made me question whether or not I even wanted to be friends with him. If he’s that comfortable invading my privacy right in front of me, what would he do if he thought I wasn’t looking?? Go through my checkbook? My medicine chest? My nightstand?
So, before I give you Same Circus, Different Clowns Part II (which is more fun, I promise), let me ask: have you ever taken an intentional break from dating? What are your dating deal breakers or conversely, must haves? Have you ever ended it with someone because he or she invaded your privacy? Do you let friends fix you up?
Today’s post is written by Priscilla San Remo.
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{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }
Well being 22 a deal breaker for me would be kids. Now don’t get me wrong they maybe a great person, but I feel like I’m bringing a clean slate to the table and I expect the same. I have no kids, no criminal record, and I’m trying to build a good life for myself.
Low or No Self-Esteem: I want to explain this. People that are confident IMO, also have a high level of value and respect for themselves, and if you don’t value, respect, or love yourself then how can you expect someone else to???
Grace & Poise:
This is a given I guess. I hear women talking about sometimes how men don’t act like these days, well women should act and carry themselves like a lady. It repulses me to see a woman that is all over the place and that doesn’t know how to hold and carry herself.
Diva Personas:
This probably goes under Value/Respect, but it makes me sick when I encounter women who act like their s**t don’t stink, or as I like to call it the “Beyonce Diva Complex”.
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Priscilla Reply:
April 8th, 2009 at 7:19 pm
I agree, Eric, at 22 I wouldn’t expect my dates to have kids either. I think no matter what your age, wanting kids, not wanting kids, having kids, etc., is always a top concern for daters.
Good for you, too, for realizing that women with self-esteem are ultimately going to contribute more to the relationship. I always say, if you can’t love yourself, you can’t love someone else.
As for the Diva Personas, they seem to come in both genders.
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I took a break from dating in September of 2007 up until February
of 2009. This was also a celibacy break and it did me a world of good. I was a member of a popular adult dating site (I’m sure you can figure out which one) and I had my choice of dates for a while. Well, after you get your share of one night stands and basically commitment phobes,I cancelled my subscription with the service. Well, in February, I decided to rejoin with a new agenda. I’m thinking like a guy and it seems to be working. I met one guy on there who was looking for a booty call. We hooked up and that is what he is to me. He knows
that if he calls wanting to chat or talk about a relationship, I will
hang up on him. I’ve had three other “real” dates, where the gentlemen were very nice and I hope that it will lead to something better. But,I think if you treat the guy like he’s going to treat you or if you can anticipate if he’s looking for a booty call, then it totally changes the way you handle the relationship.
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Priscilla Reply:
April 8th, 2009 at 7:29 pm
Wow! That’s a long celibacy break! How brave!
The whole “thinking like a guy” thing is tough at first, but it does make your dating life easier in the long run. I think where most women hit the wall is when they start to sleep with a guy they really care about. If you just kinda like someone and they’re attractive enough, a booty call is easy to do and to disengage from afterward. It’s when one of my pair-and-a-spare guys starts to stand out from the others, that I run into trouble. If he doesn’t think of me in the same way, it can be a big letdown.
I think a lot of women also have a hard time dating more than one guy–they seem to like serial monogamy over dating a bunch of guys at once and treating it like an audition. Of course, it gets complicated if you don’t believe in sleeping with more than one person at a time, but that’s what most guys do. If you’re really gonna play the game like your male counterparts, you have to be ready to do that (or not sleep with any of them, but watch them run if that goes on too long!).
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Oh wow, I can’t believe he started thumbing through your pictures. I mean, HELLO? How rude. What if you had nudies on there or something? I mean, hey it’s YOUR phone and YOUR business. I would have felt a little violated and somewhat pissed.
I took a break from dating over two years ago after I had been in relationships for 15 years straight. I was scared as hoo ha. I was afraid to be alone. I finally dove in head first and took the break and it was the best thing ever. I finally got to figure out who “I” was, who “I” wanted to be and which direction “I” wanted to go in without the influence of another man, another person. It was a great time to soul search and regroup and figure out what I really wanted in life and who I really wanted in life.
Queen Lindsays last blog post..Men?s Top Ten Turn-Offs
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Priscilla Reply:
April 9th, 2009 at 2:05 pm
I know, can you believe the phone thing? He actually made a comment at the time that he was “lookin’ for the nudes” (not something I would keep on my phone). For the sake of brevity (not my strongest suit LOL) I left that out of the blog post. He did make comments about several of the photos that were on there, but he shut up fast when he came across a couple of pics of a guy I dated last summer!
I think it’s great to take a break from dating and relationships every once in a while, especially if you are just out of a long-term partnership. When I first got divorced about ten years ago, I didn’t date for a few years. I focused on my health, getting my son through the transition, climbing the career ladder, etc.
I’m planning to move sometime this year (hopefully by the fall), and I recently realized this will be the first time in my life I’ve ever selected a place to live completely on my own. I went from my parents’ house, to a college dorm, to living with my fiance (then husband). I am still living in the house I was in when I was married.
Funny, as I was typing this, the UPS guy arrived with a box from Barnes & Noble and my new copy of Steering by Starlight, Finding Your Right Life No Matter What! by life coach Martha Beck. It’s all about finding what’s right for ME and how not to be derailed on that journey by constantly catering to other people’s needs. What timing!
Congratulations for having the courage to figure out what YOU wanted and to live YOUR life!
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Ooops, she did it AGAIN! Priscilla, I f*****g love your posts, can you just go on now and get your own blog?
I never comment b/c well, I’m a serial lurker, but today I’m up for it. A Dating Detox was my New Years res for 2009 and I gotta say. . .man it was harder than I thought. I mean, do trysts with FWB and the occasional FB count as cheating?
But as for real dating, like looking for love, I sure as heck am on a break. From the guy who brought his two kids straight from the emergency room to our first date to my FB who whipped the condom off mid-stroke (I thought he was getting a new one) and didn’t understand what the problem was when I protested. . .honey, puh-LEEZ.
So, now I’m making do with a FB, searching for a FWB, and resting until I find the energy to look for a true partner. If a good man is hard to find, then a good black man who genuinely prefers white chicks (had enough of the fetish jungle fever wannabes) and is not already taken, in the lockup, or HIV+ is, so far, like a needle in a haystack. But there’s always hope that Nick Cannon and Mariah will split
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Priscilla Reply:
April 13th, 2009 at 12:15 am
Sortasinglemama, I truly appreciate you coming out from your lurking status to comment on my post. I think there are a lot of us who have just had it up to here (I’m drawing an imaginary line above my head with my hand) with all the dating BS. It sounds like your dating life could give mine a run for the money, though. (What’s the deal with the condom thing, anyhow? Jeeesh…)
My next post will give you some ideas about where I’ve had good luck meeting black men online (at least in my age category: 37-55), although finding any desirable man these days who will even discuss a long-term relationship is quite a feat. I understand it’s not necessarily first date conversation, but at some point you have to stop walking on eggshells and say, “OK, so what are you looking for?” I like the dating sites that list those options right there on your profile: “marriage, long-term relationship, casual dating, pen pal,” etc.
I look forward to hearing more from you. As far as your Dating Detox rules go, I think you should do whatever works for you. If you’re really looking for a life partner, a few FWB encounters probably won’t get in the way of that, as long as you’re not overlooking good life mates on your way to get a little nookie,.
Step into your power, girl, it’s all waiting there for you!
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Wow what an invasion of privacy, I let people look at pictures on my digital camera all the time, but they can’t be scrolling through all my pics, they might see something I don’t want them to see.
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Priscilla Reply:
April 13th, 2009 at 11:43 am
I’m glad you agree. I mentioned the incident a week later to the friend who tried to set us up, and she just shrugged and said she didn’t think anything of it! I elaborated on my concerns about what he would do if I weren’t watching, and then she started to get it.
I generally don’t keep anything truly private available on my iPhone camera log or on the memory card for my digital camera, exactly because of incidents like this. It’s not like I’m a porn queen, but you know how it is: every once in while you have something of a more private nature on there. No one, and I mean NO ONE gets access to my Mac iPhoto files. And it’s not just risque photos I’m talking about–sometimes there’s just a dorky picture of me and my sister or even a photo of a shoe display I like–I don’t feel like having to explain that to anyone.
With all the technology we have today, our privacy is constantly threatened. It’s even more confusing, I think, because Western society has become more comfortable sharing what used to be considered very private topics (witness this blog). But just because I’ll talk about a particular bad date in graphic detail doesn’t mean I want my whole life exposed, if you know what I mean. We need to be able to choose what we share and what we don’t. The camera incident was a good reminder to me about that. I’ve spent more time this year supporting the ACLU and volunteering for a politician who is known for his stand on violations on citizen privacy. (I try to put my money where my mouth is sometimes
)
Thanks for writing in, MDUBB.
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