For those readers who have been following my story, you know that I have been doing “Dating Detox.” Coined by Milllionaire Matchmaker Patti Stanger in her book Become Your Own Matchmaker, Dating Detox is the process of going without dates for a period of time in order to assess what went wrong in previous relationships and to determine what you really want (vs. what some guy imposes on you or what you impose on yourself). I had decided to follow the plan for about 30 days and reassess at that point. I heard from a few critics, friends of both genders, who said they could never go a week without sex, let alone a month or more. Let me stop right here and say if you are not willing to go without sex for at least 30 days (autoerotic gratification is fine), you are not in a place to do the spiritual and emotional work required of this “cleanse.”
I wasn’t really addicted to dating, so I can’t compare Dating Detox to that kind of recovery process, but it certainly does entail getting good with yourself and finding a happy place that comes from within, not another person. Perhaps one of the reasons Patti Stanger’s philosophy resonated with me is that she is a huge believer in the Law of Attraction. Call it what you will, from sound science to airy fairy nonsense, the Law of Attraction, if practiced at its most basic level, can have no bad long-term consequences.
How so, you say? Isn’t the Law of Attraction that crazy theory that if you think hard enough about something, it will happen? Not really. While mentally (and emotionally) wanting something is definitely part of the Law of Attraction (sometimes called Intention Manifestation Philosophy), there are three key elements that many people miss, especially those who are skeptics.
First, you must make your actions line up with your desires. For example, if you want to be an Oscar-winning actor, you have to do more than just sit in your parents’ basement and think about it; you need to learn the craft, go on auditions, actually make movies, etc.
Second, you need to focus on desires that are not just material things. If you truly think about it, it’s not the beach house you crave; it’s the feeling of relaxation and fun that comes with it. A new pair of Jimmy Choos is great. What’s better? The mindset of seductiveness that you get when you wear them. What if you could experience that same desirability through something more permanent, like knowing how to dance the tango, or seeing yourself through the eyes of someone who has an enormous crush on you?
Third, you need to allow good things to happen to you. You need to stop putting up psychological (or even physical) barriers to your desires.
So what’s the worst that can happen by embracing the Law of Attraction? You set up a goal for yourself. You think positively about it. You work hard to achieve it. And you focus on finding satisfaction with fewer material possessions. You are thinking positively, so you can handle a few curveballs or a change in the path.? Doesn’t sound too bad to me. You may think I’m digressing here, but I’m really not, I promise-hang with me just a little longer.
Back to Dating Detox.? In my quest for self-actualization, I did what I always do. I went to the bookstore. Why just do something when you could first analyze it, research it, and spend untold amounts of money on it, in the form of books, journals, accompanying DVDs, and tote bags to hold the aforementioned? Just kidding-well, sort of. I am a bit of a geek, so when two book titles came to me by what seemed like divine intervention, I felt I had no choice but to buy them. (Utilizing the Law of Attraction of acquire books, music or events that transform your life does not count, in my rulebook, as using it for material gain.)
The first book is Steering by Starlight: Finding Your Right Life No Matter What! by Martha Beck. The second is Cheryl Richardson’s The Unmistakable Touch of Grace. Both authors are life coaches. I decided to read the two books concurrently, and they complemented each other beautifully. The experience was nothing short of being hit between the eyes (third eye chakra, anyone?) with a spiritual brick.
Much of what I read wasn’t novel to me, but it certainly didn’t hurt to read some new perspectives and strategies for removing mental obstacles and envisioning what I would like my life to look like one year, two years, or even twenty years from now.? Both authors did a marvelous job of showing how to balance life goals and concrete actions with surrendering to the unknown when things aren’t always in your control. But it was when I read about one of Cheryl Richardson’s failed romantic relationships that I sat up and felt like she was writing about me.
She talked about falling in love, not with a man, but with the potential of a man. Not the kind of man who just hasn’t hit his career stride yet or who needs a little help in the appearance makeover department-more like the kind of guy who can never gets his act together, who always blames everyone else for his issues, and who retreats when confronted with the relationship he claims to want. In my mind it was like buying a house that was a permanent fixer-upper, a never-ending project that was ultimately futile and unsatisfying. It was like my last real relationship.
Foolishly, during my Dating Detox, I had been sucked back into considering rekindling that relationship when the man dropped serendipitously into my lap (long story). At the risk of sounding like a ten year old, I’ll say, “He started it.” But I was no better by letting him lead me right back to where we were when we last dated: ambiguity; crushing self-doubt; and eventually, anger.? I needed to move on. I meditated. I thought about how little this scrap of a relationship was meeting my needs and probably getting in the way of other, more fulfilling partnerships. I remembered how much I loved this man, but how badly he had treated me, regardless of his proclamations of love in return. (I really do think he loved me; he just didn’t know how to love me.) I had a brief conversation with his photograph and moved it to my scrapbook.
Two days later, I had an email from a new Match man in my box. After a few emails, and a long phone conversation, we went on a date this morning (30 days of detox officially up, ankle monitor removed). He seems well balanced and happy, and there were no lags in our conversation.? He sealed the deal by asking me on a second date before the end of the first.? Who knows what will happen after that? My point is that I had to come to the realization that staying in the past was no longer serving me, and I had to put that past behind me. Then I had to envision the positive things I really wanted (thank you Patti Stanger, Martha Beck, Cheryl Richardson, and Law of Attraction gurus, Esther and Jerry Hicks) and allow it to come to me.? Dating Detox worked for me.
How about you?? Some of you have already written that you have also taken a break from dating-let’s hear an update on your progress. Any transformations? Any big life changes?
You might also like:
I~Swirl Apparel Now Available
Model-Ashlee Feldman
