I’m Not Dating Any Longer

I definitely think the appropriate terminology would be "dating." I would have to disagree with your friend about the "social excursions" thing because...well...isn't that just a euphemism for D-A-T-I-N-G? LOL! I'm a single female, and I date a lot. Over the past few months, I have allowed only ONE of the people I dated to come to my apartment because I felt comfortable with him after three dates.

I do not want every man I date to know where I live because not all people are sane! I know that some may counter my statement with something like, "You should not date someone you do not feel you can trust." That's an idealistic notion!

Being picked up, brought flowers, being paid for without the expectation for sex...well...let's ask ourselves what's REALLY important. Is it more important to cleave to tradition and nostalgia, or jump into the pace of the present and analyze who you have standing in front of you? I don't want the pomp and circumstance...I want the truth of the person.

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I'm starting to think that dating is for people that have known each other for a longer period of time. I would presume that with the new online dating.. that you wouldn't allow someone to pick someone up until you knew them much better.

I think it takes time to get to know someone before you can label them as a date.

Wow. I initially came upon your blog because of Dirt Bike Boy and his truancy adventures. Now I drop in a read what I am missing out on by being married to the same guy for 20 years. I am so unprepared for the "dating world" and the idea of social exursions is for my flaming gay buddies and me not for finding a relationship.
I think I like my cocoon and hope you find what you are looking for but first you have to define what it is you really want.

I'm glad you come back and read the site. Even if you are married in a cocoon. :)

Social Excursion is perfect. Had one this past weekend. I can get used to that. its funny though, whenever I mention that idea to my female friends most of them give me the same response," Eric, you need to a g/f.", "You're getting older now, you should start looking to settle down and find someone special."(Mind you i'm only 22).
It's very laughable to me, mostly the fact that all of the females that say that are in relationships themselves. I usually respond by saying I know misery loves company, but damn I don't wanna join the club. Lol

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This is a great post. I haven't stopped dating, but I haven't been on a "date" in quite some time. Social excursions is a perfect word.

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KW44 might have a point after I sat here and analyzed it. I don't recall too many "social excursion" becoming full blown relationships so maybe what you are doing is not "technically" dating. But what you said regarding Michelle post, there is some strange characters out there and I am sure for safety sake, a "social excursion" is a good way to start.

But then again Potato (PO-TAY-TOE) Potato (PO-TA-TOE)! Tomato (TO-MAY-TOE) Tomato (TO-MA-TOE)! It is all in how you look at it.

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I just found your blog but what an interesting topic! I've been having a similar discussion with other single friends of mine. None of us are looking for marriage or a long term committment but if it finds us, so be it!

I guess I tend to go on social excursions as well. The term sounds like something a cruise ship director would come up with, though. I don't consider it dating until it has passed the casual phase. I'm part of a large social organization that allows me to meet lots of people, so that is my main pool for finding guys I want to spend time with. We already know we have a lot in common because we belong to this organization. We have usually known each other for a time before we decide to start seeing each other outside the organization's events. It usually starts at an event (they are usually camping events) and after spending the evening around a campfire together we either end up in the same bed or go our separate ways. The next phase is usually breakfast or lunch at a restaurant after we pack our camps and get ready to go home. We then keep in touch via email, Facebook, or IM to coordinate when we are going to see each other again at an event. It may take months before we get together outside the organization events because of distance and time (mainly because that is where I spend 1-2 weekends a month).

I've been with this group for 20+ years and if the other person has been in a long time, odds are we both already know each other's exes, kids, etc. I guess I'm kind of lucky in this. The worst part is that it is such a large, international organization, the odds of finding a single guy who meets the rest of my criteria who actually lives within a reasonable distance is slim. I'll settle for a guy who lives in the same state (Texas is a big state!).

However, I'm not opposed to meeting guys who aren't in the organization. I like to go out for an adult dinner or an art show or a festival with men. It is just a lot more difficult to coordinate. I don't want guys I don't know well knowing where I live. I don't want them meeting my daughter unless they are going to be around for a while. Also it is a logistical issue. If we live on opposite sides of town, it makes sense to meet in the middle. I'm more practical than romantic. Also, on the off chance there is an "emergency" I can take my own car and leave.

I'm also interested in hearing what you say about paying. I've got a really good job so I usually offer to pay at least half. If we've been doing this for a while, we can take turns paying. I had a huge argument with a friend about this. She said that even offering to pay you share indicated to a guy that you weren't interested. That he should always pay. I disagreed. Dinner and drinks can get expensive. When I had to pay a babysitter, it was a little different because a "date" where I paid half could easily become a $75-100 night out after paying the babysitter. I didn't date much then because there weren't many guys that I was willing to pay that much to get to know on a first date.

I use the term dating when the ultimate goal of the two people involved is to find a relationship. There has generally been some sort of communication prior to the date, such as emailing & phone calls, that pique your interest in that person as someone you'd like to get to know on a deeper level. A date is the next natural step in the process.

What you describe, the social excursion....that's a different animal and a great term for it. I've always called that kind of outing an "ET"...Entertainment Tonight!!

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You are right, it's about the goal of both people. It's difficult and damn near impossible to know if you want to take it to the next step during the first few excursions.

I like that term Social Excursion. I guess you can class it with Hooking Up/Hanging Out. So since the ladies up above have specified that on "Dates" the man should pay, should he pay on a SE/Hook Up/Hang Out???

Great point Eric. I think women get confused on when we should pay. Sometimes they want the guy to pay, but they don't want to have a "date". I think it's time for me to address that topic again.

Get em E. Lol I'd like to hear what you have to say about it. I actually have a potential situation next friday night... Wanna see if i can apply it.

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Well I will put something together for ya next week.

I believe for the past 5 years (at least) I've been out on what
you would consider dates. I've had two guys pick me up at my
house and I've always had a dinner date as a first date. And there
was no sex (usually ;)) My thing, now, is to meet a guy who doesn't
have the "I want to sleep with you on the first date" vibe. They
have to be someone who will add value to my life.

@Michelle, I like your comment, they have to add value to your life. Most people don't understand or aren't willing to buy into this concept, although I think it's a POWERFUL one and totally underutilized. Instead of thinking of them as dates, think of them as meetups (or excursions, whatever), with the goal of exchanging value. Not trying to game someone up to have sex, although if that happens then great. I always go into my first dates trying my best to enjoy the interaction and impart some experience and knowledge. Value can be as simple as recommending books or talking a bit of business. At the same time, you can be having fun and goofing around doing whatever it is your doing. This makes the date such a better experience, and not at all about buying dinners and trying to impress for the purpose of getting laid. If the attraction isn't there, you can still keep in touch and impart value over Facebook or other social channels!

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Lance.. I have to admit that you've made some great pointers. I can't tell you how many times I hear women talk about a first date like it's the meeting during a legal negotiation. I think looking for a positive and valued conversation is the basis for understanding what the relationship future holds for both people.

So do you let every guy that asks you out know where you live? Because if you're doing online dating.. that's not exactly safe. right?

The two guys that picked me up at my house, this was
like the third or fourth date with them. It wasn't the
first date. I'm safe. :)

I dont generally let guys pick me up unless I know them well. I dont want random people knowing where I live!

I dated a guy for about 4 mnths and he still has no idea where I live - I considered it dating though.

I actually think I do what you do and I have defined it as dating!

What does the dictionary say?

Its meeting new people, seeing if you would like to be with them in a relationship - isnt it?

I dont like the word social excursion - it sounds more formal that dating!

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I"m not big into picking someone up. It's never been my thing.
I don't mind them coming by my place and then riding together from there.

Yeah, Social Excursion is a good term...all others are booty calls...LMAO...

But I have a term I use...I call it a "For Real For Real Date"...and the definition is where I get picked up, taken to dinner (somewhere nice), and some other activity such as the theater (NOT the movies), Art exhibit, concert, something that requires a bit of creativity but no necessarily expense...AND lastly a walk to the door and a hug and kiss on the forehead (or cheek if his ass is short ;))...but I will consider a Family Date where he takes me and ALL of my kids somewhere a For Real For Real Date...only because it takes a REAL MAN to date and entertain a woman AND her 3 daughters...

Mostly, it means no sex is expected...and to me that says alot about how much a man thinks of you...if he will take you out do something nice and not expect to get some tail he is interested in more than your ass...

How often do I get to date like that??? Not as often as I would like...but I think there is a shift in dating where most don't take the time...But the ones who do definitely get remembered...

So part of the requirement is that he shouldn't require sex? So does it matter how and where you meet him for the 1st date to be a for real date?

<<<sticks in 2 cents worth. I'd have to agree with your friend. What you do isn't really dating. You're meeting friends, not potential girlfriends or wifes. Personally... I will not meet up with any man for your kind of "dates" because I know they aren't seriously looking for the same thing I am looking for and the lack of effort into the "date" tells me that they will probably put the least amount of energy into the relationship that they claim to want as well. When i meet a man I am interested in and actually want to go on a date with him, I ask him out, I plan what we will do, and I offer to pick him up(usually guys decline and want to pick me up instead), then I pay for the date. That is a real date, and I expect the same in return when I am asked out. BTW, love reading your blogs.

I'm glad you love my blog. The main question I have is how do you know if they are relationship quality if you haven't had a "social excursion" with them? Am I to assume that every woman I meet is of relationship quality? Or.. Do you assume that every man you meet is of relationship quality?

If you don't think they are of relationship quality, why even waste your time seeing them at all? Unless you are meeting them being fully upfront about only being interested in friendship or a casual relationship. I won't go on a date with someone unless there is something about them that leads me to believe they are looking for the same things that I am looking for. I've been asked out by lots of people that I couldn't quite figure out what they were after .. so instead of accepting the date, I suggested we have a few phone conversations before we decide on the date thing. Some ended up being dates, some did not.

I agree! A date is when a man comes to your home picks you up and takes you to eat, a movie, dancing anything! If I drive there I do not consider it a date. The problem is men talk to so many women they would have to be a millionaire to date all of them! hahaha I have quit socializing myself I decided it was a huge waste of my time. Sure I get to go meet someone and have an evening out but most of the time I go home and could careless if I hear from them again.

If I go out again it will be because a man wanted to take the time and the ineciative to really make time for me. He will want to come pick me up and will want to spend quality time with me. I hate it when a man ask me out to a bar or a club to me that says he just wants to try and get me drunk. That won't be happening.

I'm not sure if you have run into this issue Marsha, aka snowbunnie.. ;)

It's difficult to decide if you should put 110% energy into a 1st date. I think if you've had the chance to get to know someone and you decide to date them it's much easier to be traditional. Most of the time when I meet someone new, I keep it relaxed and casual. Otherwise it could be a waste of time, energy and money.

Would you have want someone to pick you up from work and take you to lunch if you haven't met him before?