The Sex Free Time Zone

by Eathan

Over the last couple months, I’ve been dating with the intent of finding a potential relationship.  And even though I haven’t written about most of them, it’s been interesting.  One of the interesting things that serious dating creates is an issue that involves sex.

As I talk to several close female friends, there seems to be one line of thinking when it comes to sex and dating.  Most women that are looking for a serious relationship have a sex free time zone.  The sex free time zone is the time from the 1st date til the time that you have sex.  Some women practically have a non existent sex free zone, aka 1st date sex. And others can last months, aka celibacy.  Even though I don’t promote and/or believe in the sex free time zone, it’s a major part of dating.  So there are times when I attempt to play by the rules.

The reason why I’m mentioning the sex free time zone (SFTZ), is because it creates another problem.  The main problem is everyone has sexual needs.  I’ll admit that I have a high sex drive and I have sex  several times a week.  So while I’m dating and recognizing the SFTZ, it becomes more important to have a FWB or a booty call.  That way I can have my sexual needs met and still date.  Having a FWB while dating is a common thing.  I haven’t met anyone who is depriving themselves of their sexual needs because they are dating.  They either have a FWB, booty call or a major collection of toys for late night masterbation.

The bigger question that arises is why are we dating in a sex free time zone?  Wouldn’t it be easier to date and be sexual with the same person?

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The reason why this seems so important is, I’ve met a couple white women that I’m interested in pursuing.  We aren’t having a sexual relationship yet.  And yet we both know that we’re having sex with other people.  At first glance it seems normal, but it also  seems like a relationship built on deception.  Are we fooling ourselves into thinking that a relationship with out sex will last longer?

Why are women avoiding sex while dating?  Is it because Patti Stanger and other dating gurus are promoting no sex until you’re in a committed relationship?

One of the biggest issues I have with the SFTZ is the fact that sexual chemistry is very important to me.  The worst thing could possibly happen to me is dating with the SFTZ.  Weeks later you realize the sexual chemistry is lacking.  What a major disappointment.

Am I the only one that notices this problem?  Or is this just a ploy for women to feel secure in their future relationship?

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Tagged as: dating, relationships, sex free zone

Article by Eathan

Life long interracial dater and father of two.  Currently resides in Dallas and socially active in the DFW area.  You can connect with Eathan on Twitter and Facebook.

Eathan has written 539 awesome articles.

  • Jen
    OMG! I think you read my mind lol I am a woman with a high sex drive, and while sex is not my number one priority it definitely is an important factor in me finding a long term relationship. Everyone I've talked to on this subject both my female and male friends tell me wait, wait, wait...."he won't even consider you long term if you sleep with him too soon". Really? Will I be written off because I'm a woman that knows what I want and am not afraid to go after it? And I'm not saying I am willing to sleep with every guy that I go out with by any means, but if everything is clicking why should I have to wait x amount of dates to see if things click in the bedroom too?
  • Sex is great, why wait?!? LOL Joking! I think there are too many variables to put a general rule on this one. I can tell you one thing, it is possible to have built up a sexual chemistry with someone and let it build and build only to be let down once the moment comes. Man thats a sad sad moment
  • I read this article by Mikko Kempe, which I swear I saw him on a comment here before: http://relationship-journal.com/2009/06/16/do-men-just-want-sex-should-my-decision-be-to-wait-or-not-to-wait/
    I think he makes some interesting points that guys may want to ponder. Since sex is not the ultimate goal, it should be put on the backburner until a relationship can be established. Obviously, we go out with people because we find them attractive for one reason or another, but getting into bed right away doesn't ever answer any significant questions. It can just complicate finding out those answers.
    I think it's fine to have casual relations (although dating and having a FWB seems...odd...to me) but if you and the girl you are seeing are sleeping with OTHER people, that needs to be resolved. Only she can tell you why she's choosing not to sleep with you. Of course, the rest of us would like to know, too :)

    <abbr>Andreas last blog post..Thursday's pre-vacation links</abbr>
  • Those are some interesting points. It seems that the reason women always give is.. they don't want it to be just a sexual relationship. And since we have FWB, I'm sure they started out on a sexual level and never grew past that.
  • I know for me that if I know and intend it to be casual, I can have sex as soon as I want. But if it's a relationship, I'd rather know that I can stand that person before I start adding complicated points to the relationship. Does that make sense? LOL.

    <abbr>Andreas last blog post..Thursday's pre-vacation links</abbr>
  • Michelle
    Wow!! I had to respond to this post because this is an issue that I struggle with all the time. I used to belong to a dating site (AFF) and while I was on there, depending on sexual chemistry, would have 1st date sex. My strongest belief is that women are not built like men to have 1st date sex and not get attached. I would, no matter how hard I tried, get attached to the guy and then would not hear from them after the second or third date. I do realize that we all have sexual needs. I have a high sex drive and like sex a lot, but I don't like the feeling afterwards like I'm being used. I think it is so different for me, being a black women who is attracted to white men, to have a white man like me for my personality and not for what I can do for him between the sheets. So, my reasoning for avoiding sex now is because I don't want to feel any more emotional pain. I would like to go out with a guy on a date, have a good time and hope that he will ask me out on a second date and in time, will eventually have sex with him. To me, it just seems like that dating progression is old fashioned and non-existant among guys, especially white men who date black women.
  • Do you keep a FWB around while your dating other men or are you exclusive right away?
  • Michelle
    No, but should I? There is my dilemma.
  • Very intersting post. Since I recently broke up with my LT bf and am back on the dating scene I can relate. Going without sex sucks! I don't have a FWB (and no prospects) but I have hooked up with my ex twice since we split. I don't think that will continue tho.

    When I'm dating and looking for a serious relationship I do think waiting to have sex is the way to go. I think you can tell whether or not there is chemistry w/out actually having sex but that it shouldn't be acted on too early.

    My question is - am I more likely to jump into a relationship too soon just because I want sex?

    <abbr>MindyMoms last blog post..What a Week!</abbr>
  • I think it's common to hook up with the ex. It's a familiar person to take care of your needs. I'm amazed at how women hide their sexual needs behind the mask of a relationship.
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