Interracial Dating Unfair To Black Women?

From a Black Woman:

Interracial Dating (IR) is NOT unfair to black woman for the simple reason that majority of BW prefer to date BM. BW have been conditioned not to date out their race. when BM do it, it's cool and okay but not w/ BW. there's a double standard in our society.

BW's issue w/ BM and non-black women IS the limited supply. seeing a BM w/ a BW means that you could have a good relationship like that too. Seeing a BM w/ a NON-black woman tells some BW that black men do not want them. it's rejection. (i'm not justifying these feelings but i'm explaining them. i personally don't care since I date outside my race).

that is changing now and more BW are trying Something New and men of other races esp white men are noticing and are now comfortably showing their interests. (i've had white guys tell me that they didnt initially approach men b/c they thought i wouldn't be interested in a white guy and some WM who do come up to me always feel the need to ask me, 'do you date white guys?')

other races do not have this problem b/c the black and white race have had their dukes out w/ each other for centuries and we have the tainted history w/ each other. BM and WW do not have such a taint b/c WW were always looked (and still is) as the ideal woman, so of course any man would want her, and black men were and are always looked at as strong manly man so what women wouldn't want that. i think that is the appeal between that kind of swirl.

whatever it is, i hope BW can be free and date whomever is a great match for them no matter the race and that other race of men feel comfortable and have knowledge that BW are now open to try Something New. ;)

I've decided that I want to date outside of my race because that's what I want to do. I've always been attracted to white men and they have always been attracted to me. However, the pressure that I felt from my friends and family about dating interracially has been unbelievable. I've had women tell me not to bring a white man to their homes. Others have asked me why? I have been shunned by family members and friends alike. So, there is pressure there not to date outside of the black race. Black women are supposed to be the backbone of the black family. They are supposed to keep everyone together. That's what a black woman's role is. A lot of this is based on the slave and civil rights history in America.

However, lately many black women are stepping outside of that role. They are opting to date outside of their race. Mostly because they are tired of waiting to exhale. Black men have contributed to this new trend because many don't seem to have any interest in black women. Also, statistically there aren't enough black men to go around. So, black women are starting to consider their options. I certainly am considering mine.

There are certain white men that are interested in black women. However, we don't always give them a chance. There are some white men that have never considered dating outside of their race and they are now considering their options and interested in dating black women too. I've met quite a few white men that don't know how to approach a black woman.

So, there lies the some of the reasons why black women don't traditionally date outside of their race. Things are changing.

I just happened upon this post this morning and I an amazed at what I am reading. I am a Black American woman who has lived outside of the States for the past 6 years and this article and ensuing commentary reminds me of why I left!

I hear so much small mindedness in the comments on this blog post (pardon me for not having read all of them since they are quite numerous).

In my personal experience I have dated only lighter men but I chalk that up to coincidence. I have experienced far more racism in the Black community when I walk down the street with a White guy than I have anywhere else and that embarrasses and shames me.

Over the years I have come up with at theory as to why it is more acceptable for a Black man to be seen with a White woman than vice versa. I have concluded that it all comes down to power dynamics. If you take a close look at the two communities as separate, (which I would not normally do but I'll pretend) White men clearly hold the power in their households. The Black community is trickier to assess though. I would suggest that while Black men seem to hold the power outside of the home, it is really the women who rule, sometimes with great authority, inside the home. I think American culture is very uncomfortable when the people with the power get together but it is ok when the people who hold less of the power do. Just a crazy theory to explain something which has never made sense to me.
In fact, in many other parts of the world, you'd see the opposite. For example in France, where interracial couples get far less flack, it is most common to see White French men with African women, and few complain.

I wanted to offer some thoughts on my experiences here but I can not make a comment without saying that the majority of what I have read here today is complete shite! I challenge everyone to get outside of their small circle and attempt to see a bit more of the world. Here in Asia we see so many mixed-up couples. Of course they have their own issues due to the massive cultural differences but I don't recall anyone where I grew up in the States ever commenting about White men who date Asians. That cultural divide seems more complicated to me than Black and White people mixing it up to make a pretty shade of brown and yet no one seems concerned about it enough to come up with crazy theories (which may have little to do with the truth).

In the end though, I think the two people in the relationship have to be accountable to themselves, and no one else (maybe except their families). If they are happy, we should all be happy for them and it is none of our business what happens in stranger's relationships.

I think this discussion will and should become moot in most communities in a fairly short period of time. It is my hope that people will let go of some of their ignorance and come to see all people as just people, but I suppose I may be waiting on that for a long time. And while I'm waiting, you all have given me a very solid reminder of why I will continue not the live in the United States.

I'm glad you found the site and left such a thorough and deep comment. I agree with you, things are much different in other parts of the world. And the U.S. is a bit small minded on interracial acceptance. I also agree that some of the most intense critics are in the black community and I see the Black Woman as the last frontiers not accepting interracial relationships.

Hopefully things will change and open minds ever where.

life is unfair! is a latino dating a white girl unfair to latinas, how about an Asian Indian man dating a white woman. to say it is "unfair" to bw puts us in the context of children who have no control or anything, or that we deserve pity.

the reason the views on it are so skewed here in the west is because there is somewhat of a crises in black communities, nearly 40-50 percent unemployment among black males in some areas, dropout rates, incarceration, fatherless children, etc. and there are only about 30 something million AAs instead of 120 plus million Latinos or Indians or whatever.

I do not want to be regarded as society's victim, because im not. whatever reason a black man pairs up with someone,t hat is his business, do i wish to see more black families? of course i do, i don't feel that's wrong. but i realize people love who they love. and to be honest, im not particularly attracted to black males, not because they dont "look good" or whatever, i guess the whole hypersexualization and machoism of black manhood is just a turn off to me, im more into intelligent nerdy types, the idea of stability and having a home and a family, a husband who will dry the dishes after i wash them, and who values me is more important than a 6 pack or a bangin bod. not to say this embodies black men or what they are, but lets face it, its a major side of what is portrayed of them.

i am so sick of having the race discussion, black people skirting around each other and blaming each other instead of healing things. whoever we date, we are still black people and can contribute to our communities, we can better our futures. It is time to stop shirking responsibility and running away and changing the images that are being put out about us. black men are being marketed as hyper sexed thugs who do nothing but create babies and feel prisons. black women are the angry bitter bitches you should avoid.

date who you want to date, love who you want to love, but please, leave me out of it, im too busy trying to pay my rent and live life!

Do you think- Interracial Dating Unfair To Black Women?

I don’t think it’s unfair. Is opportunity unfair? Is availability unfair? If you choose to sit in your ivory tower, waiting for Dexter from the islands to come strolling up…then that’s on you. Happiness is where you find it. As long as a MAN treats that woman well, does it really matter the skin color? If Black women want to date solely black men wonderful, if they don’t great. But do not get upset with me or men like me who look everywhere for a potential mate. And don’t’ blame white, Hispanic, Asian etc for talking to blackmen that some have ignored. We don’t all start out great men. Remember your momma telling you not to be mean to that lil girl next door cause one day she was gonna grow up and be fine…well the same applies to black men, don’t pass on a brother simply because he’s fallen on tough times. Its those times that you can see a man’s true character.

JC, actually said it best..BW love and value BM...Now what is wrong with that.. Anyway ,why are BW being encouraged to date outside of our race.. Afterall, black people in general are not closed minded and will except and embrace most everyone. Maybe it's "others" who are less excepting that should be encouraged.

I would assume that single women would want to date where ever the available men are. Isn't it simple supply and demand?

Honestly, most BW are NOT attracted to WM..and there is a real fear that we'll turn up missing.

Dead or missing? Is this in rural areas or downtown Manhattan?

I MET MANY NONBLACK WOMEN WHO ARE LOUD,,AN MANY BLACK WOMEN WHO ARE NOT,,SO EXCUSES IS WHAT I SEE,,AN FOR THE RECORD BW ARE NOT IN TO OTHER RACES OF MEN!

The black parents often stress the importance dating within the black community. It's understandable as there is a lot of bad history, especially between blacks and whites. That feeling that they don't want to "abandon the black community" is very real for a lot of black women. However, it is really an illusion because "society," "the black community," whoever is perpetuating this attitude is not going to keep you warm at night. Doing what society wants you to mean that you forgo your personal wants and desires for the good of what other people think.

I am really excited for black women going forward because when researching my book I found that these attitudes are changing. Black women are beginning to understand that your background, race, and culture are part of you, regardless of who you date and dating outside your culture does not make you any less faithful to or supportive of your culture.

We launched a blog recently, Racy JC. It focuses on dating within different races and cultures (Asian, Black, Indian, Jewish, Latino, among others) and approaches these issues in a new, honest, real, and non-PC way. Please check it out! http://jcdaviesauthor.com/

Racy JC

The next generation will tell us if things are really changing. I know there is history, but it's in the past. Hopefully we can do something different for our future.

I work out a lot at a local gym that has many young college students. I noticed that the blonde white women get a high frequency of attention from black men. If such a white woman has shown interest in black men in the past, then she gets the reputation as approachable, so the black men will focus on her very aggressively. There was one black bodybuilder who asked out many white women each week - usually blondes from the local sororities. He even continued to pursue blondes while his then-blonde girlfriend was in the tanning booth. Meanwhile, the black women usually do not get the same attention. To be fair, there are black men who still date black women. Occasionally, there is also a white man with a black girlfriend. But the disproportional frequency of black men aggressively pursuing blonde white women is very obvious. Sociologists would refer to it as institutional racism based on white beauty standards with blue-eyed blondes at the top. I go to that gym almost every day and see it a lot. As for me, I am Native American and usually prefer brunettes. Black men can't be singled out for interracial dating though. The highest frequency of interracial dating occurs among Native Americans. It is extremely rare to find a 4/4 Native American. Most are part white like the Cherokees. I once had four drunk white women try to get into my truck. It was like "Girls Gone Wild." I just drove off. As for interracial dating, it's ok as long as the individuality is embraced rather than just the blonde hair. A lot of them just dye it anyway. I am not anti-white. The obsession of blondes does seem like self hate though.

Here is the perfect example of what I am talking about. A blonde white woman actually brings up the issue of reverse racism. That reminds me of the gym when the black guys aggressively pursue the blonde women. As a fellow minority, I am appalled. My view of those young blonde women in their early 20s is that the divorce rate is highest for those under age 25. Despite the "blonde beauty" that attracks the black men I mentioned, I am usually skeptical. Why is the divorce rate so high? Factors other than appearance need to be taken into consideration. Examples include maturity, religion, lifestyle, in-laws, education, financial planning, location preference, etc. The divorce rate is about 50% .

http://www.debbieschlussel.com/1693/football-player-no-brown-sugar-im-a-white-girl-man/

You are absolutely correct when it comes to Native Americans and interracial relationships. I have several friends that are Native Americans and it's very popular in their community also. I know that there are certain "old school" Native Americans that don't agree.

Sounds like a personal problem. We are all free to date whoever we want and black women have as much right to date across the rainbow as anyone. Black women choose not to date other types of men so that's their decision but it shouldn't affect mine. I love all types of women but the woman in that video pretty much hung herself when she started saying how bm think bw are "angry and have big mouths and attitudes" in a loud and angry tone. She made me cringe as she was talking. I hope she's watched herself on tv when she got home.....

But sadly there is a lack of interest in black women from other men and it's mainly for that reason. I've heard many men of other races say black women are too combative and too loud. That's the image of the black woman in our society. You can thank Omarosa and every aggressive and outspoken sista who signs up for a reality show and shows her ass on national tv. The last 15 yrs has put black women in the national spotlight and they're been too many Omarosas representing the sisterhood. Let's not forget to thank Chris Rock for lampooning and demystifying some of black women's beauty habits with his documentary, "Good Hair" and Queen Latifah for totally confusing people by chasing leading lady roles and Covergirl endorsements when we all know she's more like bulldyke Cleo in "Set It Off".

Gary I've always cringed at loud mouth women. But I do think that black women have gained a reputation of it more than others. Not sure when or how it happened... but it is what it is.

@Daryl,
You said it right.. they can open the door and find a man of any race or color.

@Nellie,

Well said Nellie.. Fear of ridicule controls so many. Sometimes you have to step out the box to experience other things.

I love a nice tan on a woman but Ms. Orange was a little over the top. Now for the question at hand, I do not think interracial dating is unfair to black women. They can open that door and date outside of their race just like anyone else. Of course there is apprehension on first stepping out but it can't be done. In this society in which most want to be accepted, it may be hard to be one to march to the beat of your own drum. You can't help who you are attracted to regardless if the reasons are valid or not. I see a lot of good "bruthas" but they normally have a steady relationship of some sort and off the market. Some young black men I know are still trying to see what is out there and are not to the point of making that big commitment. Other black men I know are all about self and they do not have the room or mentality to have a good woman in their life. There is not a lack of good bruthas, just sometimes there are not where you are looking for them at - like someone said "go where the men are". The big word in that is MEN (not boys).

Some black women feel that other races can't relate to them. True, a white guy doesn't know what it's like to grow up as a black woman... but I don't know what it's like being a black man. Really I think the basis for excuses like this is fear; fear of the unknown, ridicule, etc.

The only time I've felt uncomfortable with a black men dating white women is when he generalizes black women as a whole because of a few bad experiences. It's insulting. But I've never felt abandoned by black men. It's great to be a proud black woman but when you feel you need to be "loyal" to your race, that just being small-minded.

Personally, I am more attracted to white men. But I've dated white, black, asian, indian. If he's a good guy, I'm down.

And that orange skin is ridiculous.

@Ames,

Heidi is hot and Seal is.. NOT! lol

Go where the men are.. that should be the motto for all the single ladies. :)

BTW--that psychologist is beautiful! I bet she's got all kinds of guys lining up for her.

Funny---I have always thought both Heidi Klum and Seal were butt ugly. They're a cute lovey couple though...I think the orange woman WANTS to be black.

Anyhow, I think each person belongs to herself/himself. I say black women should get down with the swirl and put themselves where the men are---even non black men. Not sure where to find them men but someone must know. Go get em ladies!

@Chanice,
lol
Chance.. maybe you can enlighten us on what is considered to be a "black prince charming". Everyone has so many different concepts these days.

Eathan,


What I've heard from majority of black women that I encounter is that they are waiting on their "Black Prince Charming". LOL...sadly some of them will be waiting a life time. Many black women feel a type of loyalty to black men that they obviously don't feel for US. I on the other hand think that it's nothing wrong with a sista exploring her options. Also... don't get it twisted...white men have wanted us since the days of slavery. However, I do know of many educated, beautiful black women who wouldn't dare giving a brotha the time of day. So...it goes both ways.

@Michelle,

Michelle… I’ve never seen a group of black women that date interracial. I might need to get a few of my cousins to chime in on this topic

@Something She Dated,

It makes me wonder which black female celebrity would be a possible cross-over. There’s Vanessa Williams, Halle (mixed) and a few other.. but you’re right.. the media would have to promote it more.

@Ed (@DJEdNice),

That’s a good point Ed. I might need to do some research or surveying to figure out what most consider a “good black man”.

I wonder why the woman on the left feels entitlement for herself and black women in general over other women?

And I have to say...I think you're right about the lack of interest from white men...but I don't think it's an inherent thing...I think it's a proliferation and publicization of black women like the one above in this clip versus the lack of exposure of awesome black chicks. Mass media shows white men this chick and they think...no thanks...and who can blame them?

OK Eathan,

Here is your lone black female comment. The video was very weird to me because I've never felt "abandoned" by black men who have dated outside their race. That's their preference. Nor do I feel a need to keep the black community together by dating only black men. I've dated outside my race because I'm naturally attracted to white men and have been for most of my adult life. In my opinion, I think some black women don't date white men because they feel as though they wouldn't have anything in common and they have a lot of stereotypes about white men (can't dance, small dick, only want us for sex). I've always marched to the beat of a different drummer and so when I started dating outside of my race, I really didn't care much what people thought. Add to that, the fact that I have a bi-racial daughter, I really don't care now. I honestly think some black women are scared of what their friends, family and the community will think of them and they are too scared to think outside the box and try something new. If a group of black women are doing it together, then that leaves you on the outside looking in, which is where I am, but I am secure in myself and don't need others approval.

@Michelle,
Michelle… I’ve never seen a group of black women that date interracial. I might need to get a few of my cousins to chime in on this topic.

Michelle... I've never seen a group of black women that date interracial. I might need to get a few of my cousins to chime in on this topic.

I've never been able to find out exactly what a "Good Black Man" is? hmmmmmm